I'm a Boy, Okay?
by GenesisSnow
Summary: Trying to juggle a new town, teenage problems, and the idea of a 'normal' life can be hard. But it gets harder when you've been born in the wrong body. Roxas Jules was born Namine; A girl. But at heart he's a boy and nobody knows but his older brother. What will happen to Roxas in a world that's so full of hate? Read to find out. ( Possibility of boy x boy, Maybe even Boy x Girl )
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes: I'm thinking that I might not be in such of a hiatus right now! *dramatically flails happily* **

**But, I would like to announce that this little biscuit right here? Is my attempt at "coming out." It is not based on a true story, but this is how I percieve things as I expect them to occur. Maybe. Anyways, I'm gonna say it. I'm finally gonna say it. *drum roll* . . . . . . . . .**

**I, GenesisSnow a.k.a Drew, am FTM Transgendered.**

**One site down, twenty thousand to go... **

**Disclaimer: I in no way am associated with or own the game Kingdom Hearts. It is simply a mere fragment in my *cough,cough* fantasies, and I enjoy *nosebleed,hack* enjoy the yaoi okay?! **

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**Chapter 1: Dysphoria **

_Introduction_

"Are you sure you wanna do this?"

God, Roxas just wanted it to stop. Why did those words have to be permanetly implanted into his brain? It wasn't fair that his brother had gave him second doubts; The blonde teen thought everything was gonna be okay, but with his brother asking that and all... "No matter..." He mumbled to himself, "Although my binder seems to be throbbing more than usual today..." The blonde let out a sigh and shook his thoughts away, not wanting to provoke anymore confusing feelings. After all he was still new to this; Transitioning.

You may be asking yourself a few things right now: A) Binder? B) Transitioning and finally C) What the hell is going on here? Well, Roxas would explain if he understood it himself. Maybe he could write a children's book depicting his tragic tale of being born female, and feeling like you've been born in the wrong body, but he doesn't have time for that okay? But the plain, hard truth is that not a lot of people are going to understand who he is and how he feels, and Roxas has accepted that.

**( Author's Notes: Thus, I am telling his story. My story. Sort of. Ugh, whatever. )**

Roxas lifted himself off of his bed in a puzzled state, holding his throbbing head with a wince. It wasn't normal to be having head aches that early in the morning, so he simply shrugged it off, discarded his t-shirt to the floor, and wandered into his bathroom. Ugh there it was; Roxas hated seeing his own reflection in the mirror. It was so curvy, and small, and... so much different from who he actually was. "Disgusting..." He growled a bit and was tempted to spit at the mirror. The cerulean eyed teen really didn't wanna have to take off that binder. He wanted to keep it on forever to hide those disgusting lumps that so intrudingly adorned his chest. He wanted to make the bandages tighter.

But Roxas sadly knew that, that would only result in hurting himself, and then his mother would find out ( as she found out everything ) and then his cover would be blown. He didn't even wear them to school and barely at home for the fact that she would see and figure it out. And Roxas didn't feel like being prosecuted, chopped up, and fed to the dog that day.

Still, that reflection... Roxas' hair was far too long for his own tastes. Those irrtatingly pink nails? God awful. And Jesus Christ, would it be too much to ask for one measly pair of jeans? He hated all the dresses! He hated the high heels! He... He hated everything!

"Calm down Roxas, you're bleeding."

Roxas gasped and basically fell face-first into the bath tub as he tumbled backwards. The voice of his brother Cloud startled him to the point of having a panic attack, but it surprisingly calmed him a little bit more than before. The small boy's heart was pounding a mile a minute in his chest and he stared at Cloud with wide eyes, "I-I... Um... Didn't notice..." Roxas spoke in a soft voice.

Cloud grasped Roxas' arm as gently as possible as it was for a species such as a Cloud and stared at it blankly. Roxas winced, "H-Hey that hurts, Cloud stop it's fine..."

"You tore your skin to shreds without even noticing." The older and taller boy mumbled, a bit concerned about his younger brother. "Do you harbor this much hate for your body?"

"...Yeah..." Was all Roxas could say. It wasn't like this was the first time it had happened. Cloud had been taking care of Roxas since he found out. Although Cloud had only known for 3 months ( as did Roxas ) he treated Roxas like a boy and he still cared deeply for his littlle brother. How couldn't he?

After Cloud had gotten done cleaning up Roxas' arm he let out a sigh, "Your bandages are too tight again Roxas."

"I'll take them off." Roxas mumbled, "I have to take a shower anyway. Thanks~"

With that, Cloud nodded and took his leave, but still as concerned as before. Roxas was miserable, terrified, and he didn't know what to do. Was this really gonna be his life until he turned 18..? He hoped not...

* * *

After his shower, Roxas solemnly wrapped a towel around his body and wandered back into the coldness of his room. The blonde teen shivered and frantically looked for a garment to throw on, but rolled his eyes once he had seen what was layed on his bed. Stupid girl shit... I should have known...

His mother had already gone to the trouble of laying down a white dress and some pastel blue sandels on his white comforter. Roxas' blue eyes gazed hatefully at them but he didn't oblige. What mother said went, and that was it. He loved his mother, but Roxas just wanted to wear pants to a formal event for once... But he couldn't blame her; She didn't know...

Would she ever know..?


	2. Chapter 2: Am I a Burden?

**Author's Notes: Aww you guysssss ;0; *hug tackles* You're all so helpful and nice! I love you guys! I hope you all know just how amazing you really are. And if anyone tells you any different, you tell me and I'll wreck those little shits quicker than a train. **

**Hope you're ready for this chapter cause there's gonna be a lot of dysphoria. Although these events aren't completely accurate in the way they actually happened ( since my mother is waaay more vicious than Aerith is *shudder* ), I'm writing them more to fit Roxas' world. I do happen to have a big brown vicious dog though! XD**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Kingdom Hearts, you damn diddly know it would be gayer than it is.**

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**Chapter 2: Am I a burden? **

Roxas hated a lot of things.

He hated the stench of cigarettes that always seemed to stick to his unwanted hair every time they visited his Grandmother's house. He hated the horrible shriek cardboard always made when it rubbed against itself. But the one thing Roxas hated most out of all the annoying things in the world, was clothes shopping with his mother.

"Aww, this one's cute!" The brunette woman would squeal happily and Roxas would subconsciously grumble to himself when she wasn't looking. He knew her intent was well, but did he really want ANOTHER school thinking he was a girl. The family had just moved in with his Mother's boyfriend Leon, and they hadn't even made a dent in the paperwork for the new school.

But nonetheless, there everyone ( including Cloud ) was rambunctiously wandering down the Men's shoes isle. Roxas stared at them with such want gleaming in his eyes that Cloud had to stomp on his foot to alert him of suspicious parental units. God, they were so shiny... And new... And freaking Clean. If Roxas were to get a pair of those they'd be dirty in a second, him being the klutz he was.

"Ooh, c'mon Namine, lets go over here!" Aerith grinned as cheekily as ever, pointing to a rack of female shoes. Roxas winced at both what felt like a stage name and the god awful rack of insanely feminine shoes. He wouldn't budge from his spot; If the blond boy were to go over there he'd vomit where he stood. And well... That would cause a lot more trouble than asking for a pair of male shoes.

"Well, Mum..." Roxas managed to squeak out before clearing his throat, "I... Um..." Cloud was staring at the boy with wide eyes, wondering if his little brother was really ready to spit it out. The teen could also feel Leon's eyes burning into his back which really didn't make the situation any better for the poor boy. But the eyes that bothered him the most were his mother's; The ones that were inevitably begging him not to say it. Not in front of Leon. Not in front of the whole store. Not in front of the world.

'You're a freak.' The words rang throughout Roxas' mind like the chime of a bell, but he couldn't hold it in any longer. He needed to say it. As soon as Roxas opened his mouth to coax the words out of himself, Aerith spoke through an obviously forced toothy grin, "You mean... You want boy shoes, right?"

At those 7 little words, Roxas' fear clenched eyes opened wider than a department store on Holiday Shopping Weekend back on the Destiny Islands. But now they were in Twilight Town, standing in a Shoe Carnival, everyone's eyes now directly burning into Roxas' soul. After a minute or two, Roxas managed to smile through his own shock and nodded brightly, "Yes."

And off they went to the Van's isle.

* * *

After trying on a good amount of shoes, Roxas had finally picked out a pair of Size 9, Navy Blue, perfectly _masculine_ K-Swiss sneakers. They fit perfectly on his reasonably large feet and Aerith had silently purchased them. Immediately, the blond teen drug them out of the box way more excitedly than he should have and slipped them right onto his feet, discarding the shoe box into the nearest trash can. Being too excited was risky, especially with his Mum so nearby. Cloud had probably saved his ass twice as much more than usual; Roxas would have to thank him later.

Before Roxas could even realize it, the family was standing in the Junior's section of JCPenny's. Roxas liked to think of it more as the entrance to hell.

"Oh my gosh! Look!" Aerith chirped and happily bounced over to a rack of the girliest god damn flannels Roxas had ever seen in his life. Some were baby blue and laced with gold, others were completely hot pink and basically screamed, _"I'm 16, extremely sheltered, and I still play with barbies!"_ to the high heavens. Roxas couldn't hold back a cringe, which Cloud automatically wiped off of his face with a subtle slap to the back. Cloud really was worried about the kid; Roxas was careless, reckless, and most of the time naive. Which is why people like Roxas, needed older brother's like Cloud.

"Uh... yeah, sure..." The boy mumbled enthusiastically and crossed his arms with a self-conscious attitude. Wearing anything from that section would surely earn him a female reputation at his new school.

"What's wrong..?" Aerith asked with a concerned tilt of her head, playing dumb for Leon. But Roxas knew she knew EXACTLY what was wrong with him. Roxas blankly shook his head and softly responded to the brunette's question with an indiscreet, "Nothing." Cloud could see that their Mum was becoming more and more irritated with Roxas

**"You're not getting male clothing too." **

Roxas' heart began to beat unbelievably rapidly immediately after Aerith had produced those words from her lips. They ignited off of her tongue like wildfire, quickly spreading to Roxas' stomach and face. Why was this happening? Was... Was this really happening at all..? The boy felt as if he was in a coma that he could never wake up from. This wasn't supposed to be his life. He was supposed to have been born male, with male parts, and male features and he was just supposed to be... male. The blond teen wasn't ready to face the sole truth yet; That his mother would probably never accept him for who he truly was. Not to mention that his mind could only keep screaming, 'BURDEN' at him with all it's might. He was putting everyone through a tough time. It wasn't right. He needed to stop. Those are the only things Roxas could find coursing through his mind besides the sour words he threw at himself daily. All Roxas could do was stand there, staring at the floor with such a horrified expression that Cloud couldn't take it anymore.

"She's fine Mum." Cloud stepped up with the same calm expression as always, despite his own fear. The taller blond gently pushed his brother behind him in a protective nature, continuing the lie that he had started, "Namine just isn't feeling well today."

Although not a complete lie, Roxas felt guilty for having to rely on Cloud yet again. The blond's chest loosened a bit and he could steadily feel himself calming down and taking in oxygen again. Anytime Roxas felt cornered big brother Cloud would come o the rescue, and although he appreciated his brother's help more than anything, it made him feel weak and guilty. The boy couldn't help but feel like nothing but a burden that day. Feeling the eyes of his mother suspiciously eyeing at him, Roxas simply looked up from his feet and quickly nodded, "Y-Yeah, I'm just feeling a little sick."

"Well... Let's leave then I suppose." Aerith let out a sigh and shook her head a bit helplessly, not knowing what to think of the situation. The female straightened out her long pony tail and then, they were off.

This, is why Roxas dreaded clothes shopping with Aerith.

* * *

"You okay?" An overprotective and concerned Cloud had peeked through the crack of Roxas' door with his icy blue eyes practically beckoning Roxas to let him in. Roxas simply laid there in the dark, letting out a displeased groan at the crack of light, shoving his pillow in his face. The teen had locked himself in his bedroom once they got home and refused to come out, still trying to process everything that had happened.

"Look I... You don't have to worry about me all the time okay..? You've been that way since Dad died. I'm fine." Roxas huffed softly, allowing most of his words to be muffled by the soft security of his pillow. But Roxas knew that Cloud was probably sick of looking after him too, I mean, what sane person wouldn't be? The blond didn't want to be a burden any longer; He couldn't. Roxas needed to learn to stand up for himself .

"Do you really think I do this because Dad asked me to?"

"Wha-"

"Look Roxas, you're my little brother. Always have been, always will be. I care about you, and you should know that more than anyone. And even though I can never even begin to relate to what you're going through, this isn't just because 'Dad asked me to do it.' I'm your big brother and I'm supposed to be there to protect you. Now let me do my job, god damn it." Roxas eyes widened to the size of dinner plates; Usually Cloud was the very definition of solemn, he barely ever spoke and usually stood there with a completely indifferent expression and eyes that could freeze the world. But as Roxas peered through that tiny crack of his bedroom door, for the first time in his entire life he saw Cloud express something completely different from his usual bored attitude. Cloud looked like he was in pain. And that's when Roxas had decided it was time to swing his door open and pull Cloud in, swiftly shutting it behind him.

"I'm sorry." Roxas apologized softly, wrapping his thin arms around his brother.

"It's okay. You didn't mean anything." Cloud replied, letting out a sigh and returning the favor with a soft fondness flickering in his icy orbs, "We're gonna figure this out together."

**Chapter 2, end. **

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**Author's Notes: PLEASE DON'T MURDER ME. *flinches for dear life* I KNOW MY ENDING PROBABLY SUCKED AND YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN WAITING FOREVER BUT YEAH. I hope you enjoyed it anyways. ;u; **


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Notes: Goodness gracious, look who's back after like- Ohgod. Um. Yeahhhhhhh, pshhhh, what does time even matter? It's about what's inside that- UGH? **

**We'll leave that little charade unfinished, man, I don't have the energy to keep up with myself anymore. S. How have my little sea biscuits been? Pretty okayish, at least? I- have quite a lot to update. Wowzers. Since this is only partially autobiographic of my life, I guess I could twist around a lot of the darker moments and make them happier but- What kind of fun is that? ;) None at all, is what I say. **

**WELP. Onto the juicy details I guess~**

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**Chapter 3: Sometimes Things Really Are Better Left Unsaid**

I honestly wasn't prepared for this.

For this whole- "Coming out" thing.

I'm not really sure what I was expecting it to be. Every story is different; That much was for sure. But mine was so completely different from everything I wanted it to be, and everything I had wanted to expect. Wanted was the keyword; I wanted to be like everyone else, daydreaming and longing for some kind of imaginary acceptance that would never come to be, and feeling content with just that. I wanted to pretend. Wanted.

But if I tried to pretend, that my mother honestly held some kind of acceptance for this part of me in her heart deep down inside, I would hate myself even more than I already did, if even that was possible.

But I bullied myself into this. I was the one, who after 3 months of pretending that the first time never happened, decided to "come out" again. And this was all a really bad idea.

I hesitantly dragged myself out of bed, dry heaving as I landed against the uncomfortable chill of my hardwood floors of my bedroom floor like most mornings those past few weeks. The mountain air of Twilight Town was invading the small corridors of my room, not welcomed of course. Aerith always took it into her own hands to change something if she saw fit, even if I didn't say anything. "It's too hot in here, Namine." The lengthy woman would mewl as she reached for the thermostat. I'd simply ignore my the way my birth name would jab into my ears like a knife, and let her do what she wanted, even if I would be cold in 30 minutes. She'd done the same thing last night, when she opened my window as wide as it could possibly go.

What could I say; Aerith was always a meddler, and she would never change. Just like I wouldn't.

"Aerith..." I spoke out in a soft, raspy voice. I'd been calling her that so much lately. "Mom" had become a forced term, just like my name. I no longer felt comfortable calling her that... No. Not anymore. Not after all that had happened. Not after... That night and everything that had followed. I simply shook my head at the thought, cold, dead eyes averting themselves towards my desired destination; The bathroom.

Waddling towards the isolated door set off in the corner of my room, I gripped tightly onto the bandages that squeezed down the horrid little mounds I was trying to avoid, and gripped onto the brass door knob with a look of defeat. Cloud had warned me not to sleep in my bindings so many times that week, because even if it was only slightly, he noticed the way I was starting to lose my breath when I walked up the stairs, or carried over his heavy tool kits when he needed them for work. He noticed the way I was losing the cheerful gleam in my eyes, and he noticed the bags under my eyes that formed from when I couldn't sleep at night because I was either thinking, or binding too tightly. And despite my attempts to hide everything, to apply make up to the bags, to make it at least look like I was breathing properly, and to make it look like I hadn't been sobbing- He always knew.

It was annoying...

Just as I was about to fling open my bathroom door so I could throw a towel over the mirror and avoid my reflection, loud bickering resonated through the narrow walls of Leon's house ( not my house, NEVER my house. ) I simply shook my head and waited for Cloud to turn up Slayer albums to the highest capacity volume so that I could make sure he wasn't gonna sneak into my room when I wasn't looking. There was also that; The constant fighting. They used to try to hide it from us, tried to do it when we were sleeping or gone away at school. But I don't really think they cared anymore.

Not that it mattered. As long as my mother didn't have time to think about it, about me, about... generally everything, I was fine. I was going to be fine. Me and Cloud would be fine, I had finally convinced myself.

A few more sharp, shaky inhales and I had ventured into the shower. Now it was time to get out as quickly as I possibly could, and hide myself under Cloud's clothes; The ones he was nice enough to give to me. My hair was still down to my ass. I knew better than to mess with that aspect of my "femininity." But my brother's clothes made me feel safe. Safer than usual, at least.

Things were really different from a few months ago.

It was supposed to be a good thing, but...

I don't know. It didn't seem that great to me.

I'd made a wish that morning.

That things would change.

It was a stupid, naive wish. One that would never come true no matter how much anyone spoke to Aerith, or tried to convince to go back to hiding this whole thing so that I would somehow be less miserable.

But thinking about it gave me enough fuel to get myself going.

* * *

Cloud gave my stringy, long blond locks a slight ruffle as I wandered into the partially lit kitchen. I gave a forced grin in return, though my eyes were still lackluster and dead inside. I knew he could see that, but it never hurt to try.

"Gonna eat this morning, Rox?" The older blond asked right as I was about to slip on the old Vans he'd given me, coaxing a wince out of me that I knew he felt even though my back was turned to him.

"Nah... I'm not feeling all that hungry, Cloud. I ate a lot last night." Was all I could come up with to say in return, as lame as it was. Everyone knew that what you ate the night before didn't really matter; Everyone was starving in the morning, unless they were burdened with morning sickness, or their metabolism was all fucked up.

"You sure about that?" The straight faced male cocked up one of his thin blond brows questionably, and I turned on my heel to visibly face the suspecting teen, "Definitely. See ya later~ I'll be back around 5, maybe. Olette wants to work on that project tonight."

And before my brother could respond, I was out the door.


End file.
